I have loved Robin Quivers for nearly four decades.
It is time for Howard Stern’s hilarious co-host, a pioneer for Black women in broadcasting, to be rightly recognized as his muse.
She looked at me with disgust.
I barely knew this woman, but up until now, she seemed like someone I wanted to know. She was a lesbian who wore clothes almost no one could afford, paid for by designing storefronts for a national accessories brand. In her spare time, she was half of a much-too-arty musical duo of an indeterminate genre with her reedy wife, or girlfriend, or partner, or something.
The two of them were nice to me when they thought I conformed to every ounce of what they believed I was required to be to gain their acceptance as Instagram-followable.
The meek wife unexpectedly had what amounted to a nervous breakdown in the back of a cab with me one day. Soon after, when my boyfriend (or something) at the time, dispossessed of social skills even more than myself, asked her about her sex life over tea, she (who I will not name specifically, except to say she was christened for a season) never spoke to me again.
Whether she knew it or not, her domineering Prada-wearing devil of a partner described above conveyed that same decision about me with her stealth stare long ago.
Why?
I mentioned Howard Stern.
You can learn a lot about a person of my age by mentioning Howard Stern. Surprisingly, he is still a polarizing figure, even after moving to the less overtly public space of satellite radio. Even though his audience is smaller, his cache has blown up because he has become recognized as a master interviewer who can get the most ungettable A-list public figures on his couch.
The internet is forever, however, and many people’s inability to understand that humans evolve (or even to believe in the concept of evolution) has taken their toll on Howard’s legacy. To some, he has, is, and will always be awful, and easy to trigger that look of disgust.
I am glad I learned what I learned about the wives, or girlfriends, or partners above because it saved us both the time of wasting energy developing a destined-to-be-doomed friendship. I am also glad that they and anyone with a misguided opinion of Howard Stern will never get far enough into this piece to discover that it isn’t about Howard Stern at all.
It is about Howard’s wife, or partner, or girlfriend (of sorts.) Of course, in reality, she is not any of these. She is much, much more.
She is Robin Quivers.
Howard’s co-host for what would amount to his entire career is rarely discussed in the media. There is no need. Anything you could ever want to know about this fantastic woman is, was, and will always be able to be learned by listening to her on the air.
Robin wants it that way.
You can bet that I hope she is reading this media coverage of her (or paying an assistant to read it to her as she enjoys eating grapes from a vine while sitting on a tufted chaise lounge in the velvet roped-off area of a foreign art museum) because I am about to talk about how much I love Robin and I want her to know it.
One of the conceits of “The Howard Stern Show” that existed for many years before the duo took to television is that no one knew Robin was a Black woman.
As Howard would take incoming fire, constantly accusing him of being racist, misogynistic, homophobic, and, you name it, here he was breaking ground the entire time by sharing as much of the microphone with a Black woman as she wanted to take.
This fact does not absolve Howard of the bad behavior of his relative youth, of course. Howard has confronted and atoned for that, has been accused of being “woke” (which is… caring about other people?), and has pissed off many now-former fans in the process. However, it does provide objective insight into who Howard is at his core. Howard will go to the ends of the Earth for “his Robin.”
Howard makes no secret that Robin is one of his best friends. There have been a few rare occasions throughout the show’s history when only Howard and Robin have been in the studio. Howard often mentions that he and Robin spend time on the phone on the weekends, and these infrequent duo shows seem to approximate what that must be like. Howard has said that Robin is the reason he does the show, and at the end of the day, Robin is the reason I listen.
Any longtime fan (I am 52, started listening when I was 17, and have had no substantial periods without the show since) knows this about Howard. We hear it in their voices. They speak to each other with the mix of complete honesty and affection that only love and respect brings. This is what keeps listeners like me around. We are just hanging out and have been for decades. There was a time during the show’s heyday on terrestrial radio when you would see other people in other cars laughing at the exact moment that you were. This is why fans talk about being unable to turn off the radio after reaching their destination.
Before I continue, I need to acknowledge the other member of what amounts to a talk show version of a power trio. Even though I am writing about Robin, and she would likely take barely suppressed (depending on the day) offense at having the attention focused elsewhere for any longer than a brief digression, I must.
Fred Norris has been with Howard slightly longer than Robin. He is responsible for creating the sonic “world” of the program through audio effects, clips, and comments that are so essential to what the show is. Listeners like me have developed sense memory that indicates what sound Fred is going to hit at the moment he is actually pressing the button. Howard, Robin, and Fred are a band that can play their entire catalog in their sleep.
I have long believed that Black and Native American women should be running the country. This is the only way to make whole the deficit created by how America was founded.
I want the members of our society who have been the most historically and systematically oppressed to be the ones setting policy. Perhaps this ingrained need for order in the universe made this revolutionary pairing within “The Howard Stern Show” so meaningful to me, beyond how much it makes me laugh and lifts my mood.
The influence of a non-nonsense Black woman was vital to me when I started listening to the show in my teens. As a Jewish gay youth struggling to integrate an upbringing full of bullying and neglect, I identified with minorities, I identified with women as forthright caregivers, and I identified with other survivors of abuse who were coming to terms with the reality that the trauma of their youth would follow for a lifetime.
I had hoped Robin would be in the studio on the day Howard interviewed Kamala Harris recently, but I knew this was unlikely since it would only be for an hour at an atypical time. I wanted to hear these two powerful Black women known for their easy and unforgettable laughs mix it up.
Perhaps Robin would have been more bolder than Howard (who is “woke,” remember?) in bringing up that many of the clips we hear today of Donald Trump saying disgusting things about possibly dating his own daughter and walking into the changing rooms of teenage beauty pageant contestants originated during his many years of appearing on the show.
The fact that these clips even exist and are played ad infinitum decades later goes to show how Howard’s skills as an interviewer have developed with Robin’s help, as she plays “bad cop,” constantly teeing up topics for Howard to swing at with just enough “good cop” curiosity to get the interviewee into a state where they will suffer under an illusion of safety.
Perhaps Robin was not there for Kamala’s visit because she was flagged by the Secret Service?
I am just kidding, but a short time after the Kamala Harris interview, the results were revealed on the air of a test given to most of the staff, and Robin failed, depending on how you look at it. I look at it as another confirmation that Robin is a kindred spirit.
Here’s what happened:
I have talked about female cultural figures I identify with, and Robin falls in that category. Unfortunately for society at large, my identification with Robin is related to the fact that Robin is, according to testing that she has subjected herself to during the show, an extreme narcissist and potentially psychopathic.
“If you’re good to me, I’ll be good to you. If you’re bad to me, I’ll be worse.” — Robin Quivers
This diagnosis for someone intelligent, artistic, and sharp-witted doesn’t cause someone like me to bat an eye. See last week’s piece and podcast about being a “soft villain” for more context.
Only two weeks ago, in the kind of bit that longtime fans of “The Howard Stern Show” adore, a doctor administered a test to much of the staff, including Howard, Robin, and Fred, to determine who was the least, and more importantly, the most susceptible to psychopathic tendencies.
True to form, this reveal of the results was built up over days, with Robin continually making fun of her co-workers, who she was sure would be found guilty, so to speak.
In 2009, Robin had previously scored a 34 on a narcissism test, where a score above 20 is considered high.
I was nervous for Robin. I had reason to be.
When the reveal arrived, Howard came in third place as the staff member with the most psychopathic tendencies. He has maintained a schedule of three visits a week to his psychiatrist’s couch for as long as I can remember. I suppose continuing that schedule is in order.
Robin… drumroll… was tied for first place.
Doctor: “The biggest ‘Stern Show’ psychopath is… Memet and Robin.”
Howard: “Wow. Oy, vey.”
Doctor: “They tied.”
Robin: “There is just no way!”
Howard: “Tell me about Robin.”
Doctor: “She also demonstrated some narcissistic traits, but is more polished and personable.”
Robin: “You’re kidding! Everybody knows I’m a narcissist.”
Howard: “Yeah.”
Doctor: “She can fly under the radar. There’s some egocentricity. She can be shrewd and calculated in nature if needed. She can also be really charming, engaging, and charismatic.”
Howard: “Yeah. Oh, yeah.”
Producer: “In a negative way, I think you’re saying.”
Robin: “No! I’m charismatic, Jason. She didn’t say negative.”
Howard: “Psychopaths are charming. You know, many people in prison are psychopaths, and they all say, ‘Gee, he’s a charming guy. I don’t know. I don’t know why he chopped everyone’s head off.’”
Gary Dell’Abate (Executive Producer aka “Bababooey”): “Robin, I want to ask you, how do you feel holding two of the craziest titles in the history of the show?
Robin: “Well, since I’m okay with who I am, it’s all right.”
Gary: “Good. Good. I’m happy for you.”
Although I was nervous, none of this came as a surprise to me. In fact, I was impressed that Robin took it so well. Robin, like me, has learned through hard work to manage her emotions and negative behavioral tendencies, and she has aged incredibly well!
A stunner at 72 years old, Robin has been through the hell of extreme neglect and abuse as a child, endured a cancer diagnosis, and fought through a difficult recovery, all while managing to laugh and make others laugh.
Listeners are as aware of the details of Robin’s struggles and triumphs as anyone could be, maybe even Robin herself, because all of her travails are fodder for the show.
As the psychopath test reveal continued, my pride in Robin’s newfound resolve mildly withered when she started to get defensive. I understood the impulse all too well.
Howard: “Robin had a real disadvantage in this area.”
Gary: “We were all raised by psychopaths. Come on, Robin.”
Howard: “Robin’s was particularly bad.”
Robin: “Not two. You had a great father.”
Gary: “That’s true.”
Howard: “You did.”
Robin: “I didn’t win on any end of that.”
Howard: “Robin’s father’s fingers did the roaming. You understand? He wasn’t in the yellow pages. So just trust me, she had it much worse. Poor woman went through the mill.”
Robin: “And I had to protect myself from those two. So how do you protect yourself from two psychopaths, Dr. Frankie? You become a psychopath, right?”
Producer: “Ooh. Origin story.”
Robin: “I rest my case.”
Robin: “Is my reputation in jeopardy? Because I was always considered the voice of sanity on the show.”
Howard: “Yeah, isn’t that funny? Like, whatever newspaper article was written about Robin, it was always, ‘At least Robin’s the voice of sanity.’ I’m sitting there going… Okay. Whatever.”
Producer: “Do you think this affects your relationship with Robin at all?”
Howard: “No, absolutely not. I’m saying that on the air. Of course, it does.”
Robin: “How dare you, Howard!”
Honestly, I was comforted when the conversation started to devolve this way. I feel Robin’s pain. I have listened to this woman talk about her life for most of my life, and she has always, without fail, and possibly to her detriment, allowed her entire existence to be the subject of my entertainment.
But Robin is more than that to me. I say this with full knowledge of how our culture holds up celebrities in the internet era. They need to be perfect and deified. Untouchable and touching. Or, when they slip up, they are meant to be torn down, chastised, and canceled for the smallest digression, made with knowledge and intent or not.
Howard and Robin have never been subject to these expectations and this treatment because there is nothing that they can do or say that they don’t already do and say in full view of the public.
In fact, Howard gets upset when anything happens that isn’t saved to be discussed on the air.
Howard and Robin, for better or worse (and sometimes to the chagrin of anyone on the show besides Howard), have presented themselves in this unexpurgated way since the late 80s when “The Howard Stern Show” became so popular in New York that it began to be syndicated nationwide, something that was not done before because radio was always considered “local” up until this time.
This is a concept that I have taken into my own creative existence. Life is art, and art is life. Everything we think and feel is subject to artistic expression. I understand that many would not agree that what Howard does is art, but knowing how much he admires John Lennon, who held this belief about creativity during his years with Yoko Ono, I see Howard’s work this way.
I also know Howard to be extraordinarily gifted at painting with watercolors. He has also been a practitioner of Transcendental Meditation since his teens, and Robin has also practiced for decades. I am in my second decade of TM, too!
I explain this because it’s cool to brag about how holistically sound and stable I am, sure, but to the point of this writing, it is to deepen your knowledge of the relationship between Howard and Robin, who are rarely, if ever, thought of as intertwined in such a deep and meaningful friendship.
This is more than I can say for the wife or girlfriend or partner or whatever who ended what could have been a meaningful friendship with me before it even began when she looked at me with disgust at the mention of Howard’s name.
If she had turned to see me fully, with an open mind-motivated gaze, instead of with a side-eye full of conceit, her stubborn insecurity may have given way, allowing her to learn that my admiration of Howard is rooted in his love of an extraordinary woman, Robin Quivers, who could show her something about herself that she didn’t realize she needed to know.